you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
