Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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