OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
