Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
