My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
