peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
