Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
