so let's talk penis.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
