I puked a lego.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
