why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
