I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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