I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
