it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
