Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
