She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
