I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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