So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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