i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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