Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
only if we run a train.
done.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
