well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
