when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
