In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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