bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
