why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
