Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
