I just saw a hot homeless man
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
