I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Randomize
