I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
