I look better un-naked...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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