Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
