If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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