I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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