fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
