i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
