Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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