why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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