My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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