Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
