I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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