Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
