Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
