Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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