the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
