Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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