she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
