everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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