if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
