Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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