I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
