I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
