nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
