Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
