I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I didn't notice because vodka
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
