She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
